


Freedom

by itzteegan



Series: My Dragon Age 'Verse [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Decisions, Difficult Decisions, Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, Exalted Council, F/M, Friendship, Trespasser
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 15:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19770796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itzteegan/pseuds/itzteegan
Summary: After Gilrael puts an end to the Dragon's Breath operation and finds out the truth about Solas, she still has the Exalted Council to deal with. And while she initially entered the Winter Palace with one outcome on her mind, she's slowly starting to see the wisdom in knowing one's limits and when to walk away.





	Freedom

**Author's Note:**

> So, sorry this is a little depress-y. I've been kinda depress-y lately, feeling all kinds of feels. Mental illness sucks. But I have Dragon Age, so that's something.

The loud murmur of heavy footsteps and pounding on the door echoed through my personal chambers. Sighing heavily, I didn't even quite have the energy to turn over, instead simply turning my head on the pillow in the opposite direction, hoping that it would just go away.

Bull, as always, was perceptive.

His voice, while low, came through with a noticeable growl as he told whoever it was that was trying to summon me, "Not. Now." When they stuttered and tried to insist, the growl became more pronounced as he told them, "I said _not now_. If they're not happy with that answer, they're more than welcome to speak to me about it."

That sent them running, and for that I was grateful. About all I could muster in return was a small smile as I turned to see him walking back toward my bed. The very edges of his lips tugged upward, but the grin didn't quite reach his eye as he sat on the bed, reaching up to brush a piece of hair out of my face. "It's alright," he assured me. "Rest."

"Hold me?" I asked, my voice weaker than I'd even thought.

I didn't have to ask twice, as he pulled down the blanket and joined me, gently pulling me into his arms and settling me against his chest. I felt I could finally, truly relax as I laid there, listening to his heartbeat, that little assurance enough to anchor me to this world. I sank into his comforting presence, ignoring all else. The Exalted Council, the Inquisition, the Divine, and most especially the way the stump that was left of my arm tingled and throbbed. Burying my face in Bull's chest, I blocked out everything, everything but him, as he ran his fingers through my loose hair and murmured encouraging nothings in my ear. I, in turn, said nothing, wanted to be nothing as I laid there.

As I had stumbled out of the Eluvian, falling to my knees, I was still in shock from the revelations. My mind reeled as I tried to process that Solas, one of the first friends I'd made since I'd fallen out of the Fade, that he was the one behind it all. I hadn't even had the words to explain it to my companions who stood there waiting for me, wanting an explanation, something ... _anything_. And I had nothing for them, nothing I could properly compose into words. It didn't help when, as Bull held out a hand to help me up, I automatically held out my left hand to take his, and at that point my arm just ... fell away. Fell away like it was nothing but dust, like it was a shadow that had been shown the sun. My heart dropped into the pit of my gut as I fell over, shouting filling my ears as Bull, Dorian, and Ranier leapt into action to both figure out what was going on and to get me back to the Winter Palace.

While I wasn't conscious for the chaos, I could well imagine what it might have been like.

I vaguely remembered orders being barked, mostly in Bull's voice, others in Josephine's more even tone. Obviously, I'd been brought back to my room as that was where I woke up, and there was no doubt I'd been looked over by healers at least a couple of times. My arm was bandaged, even though there was little damage left over. Whatever Solas had done, it was pretty well seamless, severing right above the elbow. The only thing that I didn't get to miss out, after the shock, was the pain that set it. I definitely remembered that, waking up gasping and groaning as the bone-deep ache set it strong, alleviated only when a healer was summoned and provided me with some sort of concoction they promised would help. It did some, at least, as while it didn't take all the pain away, it made it tolerable at least. All that was left was this tingling ache that had me wanting to flex and move a hand that wasn't there anymore.

It took a few days for me to recover, days in which I was sure the Exalted Council likely wanted my head. And I? I couldn't find it in myself to care anymore. I'd come to this gathering initially to defend the Inquisition, to try to keep it together in some form but now ... now I realised that it was never ending. That there was always something out there, some danger lurking, some foe to face. And I couldn't keep on, not forever. Retirement had seemed so silly, so out of the question before. But with everything that had happened in such a quick succession, I felt like I'd aged ten years just trying to take it all in and deal with it.

Was it really so selfish to just want to step away?

Bull helped me dress, even helped me braid my hair as I prepared to face them. It felt humiliating to have to need so much help, but as always, Bull never called attention to it or made a big deal out of it. He simply adapted, stepping in stride to my pace, being right there, right when I needed him. He wouldn't do every little thing for me, he'd only watch and observe and only when I truly needed help would he step in. I felt like a nuisance, but I had little choice.

Fully dressed, I stood near my desk, reaching out with the only hand of mine that was left and leaning against it as I sighed. "I can't do this."

"Sure you can," he assured. "They're just a bunch of rich assholes, nothing you haven't dealt with before."

I shook my head. "No, I mean, I can't do this anymore." He stayed quiet, listening to what I said, waiting for me to continue. "Two years ago, my clan sent me to the conclave, to monitor the situation and make sure the shemlen didn't make a messy war even messier." Half-chuckling, I admitted, "I wasn't even supposed to be the one to go. It was supposed to be my brother, but Sorvan injured himself on a hunt the day before he was to leave. So my Keeper asked me to go in his stead, and I, of course, accepted, because how was I to refuse my Keeper? I didn't think it was going to be that difficult of an assignment. Just hang back, out of sight, let the templars and the mages do their thing, and hope the Divine could somehow settle things. Instead, I ended up interrupting Corypheus' ritual, got sent into the Fade, and then fell out of a rift in front of a bunch of Inquisition soldiers with a mark on my hand."

I remembered well how the mark had crackled and popped when I'd first woken up, as unstable as the Breach. After I'd managed to stabalise it, the pain lessened until it was little more than a sharp tingle now and then, but I would never forget the pain it caused me early on, the pain it had started to cause me recently. "And so I joined the Inquisition, because what else was I supposed to do? I had the only means to close rifts. And when Corypheus showed his intent to continue on his quest to enter the Fade, naturally I couldn't back down, couldn't rest until he was dealt with. And now ... what? Now the Qunari plot against Thedas, and while we've beaten them back, what about next time? What then? It's been two years, Bull, two years of fighting, of rooting out resistance, of setting right the wrongs in this world, and I ..." Tears pricked my eyes, and I blinked them back as I lamented, "This job has taken so much from me, taken me from my clan, from my family. Given me a responsibility I never asked for. Fuck, it's taken my arm, now! What more will it ask for in the future? I'm just ... I'm tired, Bull. I can't keep doing this."

A heavy hand settled on my shoulder. "Then don't. You're the Inquisitor, it all ends with a word from you."

"The Inquisition is a sizeable organisation, disbanding it would ..."

"Would be dealt with. Josephine can handle it, I'm sure, and Cassandra and Cullen will help. You've taken so much time to help this world, if you've had enough, you get to say that you've had enough."

Nodding, I knew he was right, and I reached up to rest my remaining hand on his, giving it a light squeeze. As soon as I'd mentally decided on it, a plan started to form in my head, and after I stood there for several silent minutes, I told him, "I need to see Varric. Before the Council."

And just like that, Varric was sent for, and within a few minutes, he was stepping into my chambers. He valiantly tried not to let any kind of reaction show, but he couldn't completely hide the small grimace and the way his face fell ever so slightly as he caught sight of the missing space where most of my left arm used to be. Still, it was over with in a split-second, and then he was looking into my eyes and offering me what smile he could muster. "Hey, Rifty."

Well, he was still using the nickname he'd fashioned for me, so that was a good sign, I supposed, a sign that he wasn't going to treat me any differently than before. Taking a deep breath, I started with, "I apologise that this is on such short notice, but ... that estate you mentioned you wanted to give me in Kirkwall ... is that still available? Or can I purchase something there?"

"Please," he replied with a gesture, "don't listen to Bran. That place has been abandoned for a while, nobody's going to claim it. It might need a little work, but I promise it's livable."

"Then I want to take you up on your offer. Immediately. Would it be too soon to leave directly after the Exalted Council?"

That got a surprised eyebrow raise out of him. "Looking to blow town so soon?"

Gnawing on my lower lip, again I fought back the emotional tears as I told him, "I just can't do this anymore, Varric. I'm disbanding the Inquisition. It's been two long years, and we've done a lot of good, but it's cost me much and I just can't keep paying."

He nodded, understanding. "Don't worry, while you're at the Council, I'll have everything of yours packed up and ready to go. All you'll have to do is head straight to the stables and I'll be waiting for you. Sound like a deal?"

Smiling brightly for the first time in what felt like forever, I embraced my friend as I murmured. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it ... uh ... well, I guess I can't really call you Rifty anymore, can I? Oh well, guess I'll just have to come up with another nickname for you."

Laughing outright, I wiped what tears were starting to gather as I steeled myself in preparation for facing the Council. "I'll see you at the stables, then?"

"You can count on it."

Glancing over at Bull, he assured me, "Go on. I'll help Varric." Nodding, I took a deep breath and left the room, head held high, ready to face the Exalted Council and declare the Inquisition disbanded. On the way, I made a quick stop by Josephine's office, just one tiny errand to pick up something that I knew would be symbolic and weighty enough for the moment. After all, as much as I would have liked, I couldn't just go in there and shut everything down. Josephine would have been exasperated, asking if all of her diplomacy lessons were for naught. No, I had to make a statement, to impart on the leaders present that the Inquisition - and myself - was no longer going to be there for them to depend on.

As I entered, the leaders were arguing with Josephine about the Qunari plot, and it was with great effort that I didn't roll my eyes as I entered the room. There was a certain hush that overtook them all to see me, upright and walking, arm missing. It spoke blatantly of the sacrifices made by everyone in the Inquisition, though it still unnerved mem and I did my best to ignore it as I stepped forward, holding aloft the book. "You all know what this is. A writ from Divine Justinia authorising the formation of the Inquisition. We pledged to close the Breach, find those responsible, and restore order, with or without anyone's approval." Pausing a moment to take a deep breath to steel my nerves, I continued, "And we did just that, working tirelessly for the past two years to ensure that our efforts were not in vain. But lately, it has become clear to me ... that you depend far too much on your heroes, your legends, your Champions. What happens when we can't go on? When we can't keep fighting? When our battles take and take from us and we soon have nothing left of ourselves to give? I am mortal, and I will not be around forever to help guide you and keep your lands and people safe. You need to learn how to run without me, you need to figure it out yourselves. And better to do it now while there is relative peace rather than during a war or a crisis." Handing the book the Josephine, my voice was firm as I said simply, "Effective immediately, the Inquisition is disbanded."

Turning on my heel, I walked out of the Council chambers, ignoring the clamour and the raised voices and the questions shouted at me. I was done now, I'd washed my hands of it, and now it was up to them to figure it out. I did pity Divine Victoria and Josephine and the others for having to figure it out, but that was their choice, if that's what they wanted to do. I'd made mine, and as I quickly walked down the halls toward the stables, a smile erupted on my face.

Sure enough, as promised, Varric and Bull were waiting in the stables. I'd already said my goodbyes to my friends over the past few days, as I'd laid recuperating, and with everything packed up, there was nothing left to keep me there. Mounting my horse, I nudged him in line with Varric's as Bull's brought up the rear, and we all headed out, bound for the coast, for a ship that would take us to Kirkwall. And as we rode along, I took a long, deep breath, a sense of euphoria filling me.

For the first time in two years, I truly felt free.


End file.
